Brett Angell



"If Brett Angell can play for Everton so can I" we should have sung but I think we were all too gobsmacked that someone so dreadful could be dishonouring the hallowed shirt to be able to sing anything at all.

Brett Angell - what a name! Sounds like an American pornstar! - was a tall lumbering, slightly stooped, striker who some would describe as being an "old-fashioned" centre-forward, which would only be correct if "old-fashioned" meant "couldn't hit a barn door with a banjo".
Think of James Beattie, but without any of Beattie's strengths (which is really saying something) and you'll get the full painful picture.

He joined Everton on loan in September 1993 - well done Howard! - but managed only one substitute appearance - in the 5-1 home humiliation handed out to us by Norwich. Not surprisingly Kendall realised the error of his ways and Angell was sent back to Southend whence he came. It was only a temporary respite. Mike Walker arrived in January 1994 to bring the good times back to Goodison and promptly snapped him up for £500,000.

He made his full debut in the 6-2 home win against Swindon. It was the only half-decent game he had for us - and he couldn't even score in that!

He then set about proving how good Walker was at judging players by putting in some of the worst performances ever seen by an Everton centre-forward. Dixie Dean would have been turning in his grave. Bob Latchford and Graeme Sharp must have held their heads in despair. Stuart Barlow and Alan Biley must have held their heads in despair!

He had the touch of a baby elephant and the movement and passing ability of one too. Toffeeweb listed his strengths as "None" and his weaknesses as "Too many to list". They were being over-generous.
He scored his only goal for us in a 4-2 home win over Chelsea - a 2-yarder that he bumbled in and nearly missed - and then somehow got pipped to the Footballer of the Year awards that season by Alan Shearer and Eric Cantona.

Neither he - nor Mike Walker - lasted much longer and Joe Royle finally put us all out of our misery by offloading him to Sunderland in March 1995 for £600,000. Amazingly we made £100 grand on the deal!

Like many centre-forwards of his ilk, he was good at a lower level - in his full career he scored bags of goals for the likes of Stockport, Southend and Walsall - but at the top level, for Everton, he was a donkey - in
fact as the Observer once memorably put it (and thanks to Ian McAlley for digging this up) he was a "donkey's donkey".

The stats:

  
 League
League Cup
Total
  
Starts
Subs
Gls
Starts
Subs
Gls
Starts
Subs
Gls
1993-94
13
3
1
0
0
0
13
3
1
1994-95
3
1
0
0
1
0
3
2
0
 Total
16
4
1
0
1
0
16
5
1